Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Why So Many Homeowners Are Downsizing Right Now

By KCM • February 19, 2026
Why So Many Homeowners Are Downsizing Right Now For a growing number of homeowners, retirement isn’t some distant idea anymore. It’s starting to feel very real. According to Realtor.com and the Census, nearly 12,000 people will turn 65 every day for the next two years . And the latest data shows as many as 15% of those older Americans are planning to retire in 2026. And another 23% will do the same in 2027. If you’re considering retiring soon too, here’s what you should be thinking about. Why Downsize? Now's the perfect time to reflect on what you want your life to look like in retirement. Because even though your finances will be going through a big change, you don’t necessarily want to feel like you’re living with less . But odds are, what you do want is for life to feel easier . Easier to enjoy. Easier to manage. Easier to maintain day-to-day. The Top Reasons People Over 60 Move You can see these benefits show up in the data when you look at why people over 60 are moving. The National Association of Realtors (NAR) finds the top 4 reasons aren’t about timing the market or chasing top dollar. They’re about lifestyle: Being closer to children, grandchildren, or long-time friends so it’s easier to spend more time with the people who matter most Wanting a smaller, more functional home with fewer stairs and easier upkeep Retiring and no longer needing to live near the office, so it’s easier to move wherever you want Opting for something smaller to reduce monthly expenses tied to utilities, insurance, and maintenance No matter the reason, the theme is the same: downsizing isn’t about giving something up. It’s about gaining control and choosing simplicity. And it brings peace of mind to know your home fits the years ahead, not the years behind. And the best part? It’s more financially feasible now than many homeowners would expect. The #1 Thing Helping So Many Homeowners Downsize Here’s the part that makes it possible. Thanks to how much home values have grown over the years, many longtime homeowners are realizing they’re in a stronger position than they thought to make that move. According to Cotality , the average homeowner today has about $299,000 in home equity . And for older Americans, that number is often even higher – simply because they’ve lived in their homes longer. When you stay in one place for years (or even decades), two things happen at the same time: Your home value has time to grow. Your mortgage balance shrinks or disappears altogether. That combination creates more options than you’d expect, even in today’s market. So, whether you just retired, or you're about to, it's not too soon to start thinking about what comes next. Sure, it can be hard to leave the house you made so many years of memories in, but maybe it’s time to close one chapter to open a new one that’s just as exciting. Bottom Line Downsizing is about setting yourself up for what comes next – on your terms. If retirement is on the horizon and you’ve started wondering what your current house (and your equity) could make possible, the first step isn’t selling. It’s understanding your options. Let’s talk. A simple, no-pressure conversation can help you see what downsizing might look like – and whether it makes sense for you.

You May Not Want To Skip Over That House That’s Been Sitting on the Market

By KCM • February 18, 2026
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A 50-Year Mortgage Might Arrive Soon—Here’s How to Decide if It’s Right for You

By The Lighter Side of Real Estate • February 15, 2026
You’ve probably seen the buzz lately about 50-year mortgages possibly hitting the U.S. market soon. If you haven’t come across it yet, you probably will—whether in a headline, a newsfeed scroll, or it’ll just be an option the next time you’re house hunting. At face value, it sounds like a pretty sweet deal for anyone feeling squeezed by prices and rates. Stretch the payments out over half a century, and suddenly that monthly bill looks a whole lot friendlier. What’s not to love, right? Well, that depends on your perspective. So before deciding whether this could be a game-changer or just another gimmick, let’s make sure you’ve got enough info to have an informed opinion… Lower Payments? Yes. Lower Costs? Not Exactly. For many, the appeal comes down to affordability. A longer loan term could help buyers qualify for homes that might otherwise be out of reach, or simply make monthly payments more comfortable. That part is true, but where there’s a “gimme” there’s a “gotcha.” While the monthly payment may drop, the total cost over time can skyrocket. Stretching a loan over half a century means paying additional interest for half a century. The “savings” you feel each month could easily be swallowed up—and then some—by what you’ll ultimately pay in interest. Just Another “New” Option A 50-year mortgage might sound new and exciting, but it’s really just another option that isn’t currently offered. (Well, at least not all that often.) Buyers already have plenty of choices when it comes to loan terms: 10-, 15-, 20-, and 30-year mortgages are all standard options. Add in the mix of fixed-rate and adjustable-rate structures, and you’ve got a wide range of combinations designed to fit different financial situations. But more often than not, people lean toward the 30-year fixed rate loans. Technically, 40- and even 50-year mortgages already exist, though they’re rare in the U.S. and typically not backed by government programs. According to The White Coat Investor , they’re far more common in Europe, where ultra-long-term loans have been part of the financial landscape for years. A Matter of Perspective Whether a 50-year loan sounds appealing often comes down to your personal philosophy, and your tolerance for long-term debt. Some buyers lean toward shorter-term loans—like 15 or 20-year mortgages—because they want to own their home free and clear sooner and pay less in interest. Someone taking this approach, especially with a 15-year fixed or adjustable-rate mortgage, is often very disciplined about paying extra each month to chip away at the principal. To them, the vast majority of people opting for a 30-year fixed loan might look like they’re squandering money by stretching payments out unnecessarily and paying far more interest than they need to. On the flip side, 30-year borrowers often see the world differently. They value lower monthly payments and the flexibility it provides—whether to invest elsewhere, cover lifestyle costs, or just have breathing room in the budget. To them, those who aggressively tackle a 15-year loan might seem either a little extreme… or just downright wealthy to be able to afford such high payments. So, just like 15-year buyers might shake their heads at 30-year loans, 30-year borrowers will likely question a 50-year term. The point is, there’s no “right” choice. It’s about what makes you comfortable financially and psychologically. Is It Worth the Monthly Savings? Whether the monthly savings makes sense really depends on your perspective and personal situation. Everyone’s circumstances are different, so this is a question only you can answer for yourself. When you’re considering what type of loan and terms to choose, you’ll need to crunch the numbers at that moment—current rates, your credit score, and other factors will all play a role. But to give you some general perspective, HousingWire did some math you might find useful. According to the article, stretching a loan out to 50 years might shave around $100–$200 off your monthly payment compared to a 30-year mortgage. That’s not nothing—it could make a tight budget feel a little more comfortable. However, because you’re paying interest for an extra 20 years (or more), the total cost over the life of the loan can balloon dramatically. In the examples they gave, the interest payments were more than double what they would have been with a 30-year loan. And we’re talking hundreds of thousands of dollars. That “nice little savings” each month comes at the expense of paying far more in the long run. So yes, you’ll feel relief each month with a lower payment, but over decades, your home ends up costing a lot more than the purchase price. That’s the trade-off. A 50-year mortgage isn’t inherently bad; it’s just a choice between short-term comfort and long-term savings. And it’s a choice worth thinking through carefully before signing anything. The Takeaway: The idea of a 50-year mortgage might sound like a silver bullet for housing affordability, but the reality is more nuanced. Sure, it could make monthly payments a bit lighter—but it could also cost much more in the long run and potentially nudge home prices even higher. As with most things in real estate, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It’s not necessarily right or wrong, it’s about what’s right for you. The key is to understand exactly what you’re signing up for before committing to a loan that could last longer than most careers.
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