Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Think Nobody's Buying Homes Right Now? Think Again.

By KCM • September 8, 2026
Think Nobody's Buying Homes Right Now? Think Again. If you've been thinking about selling , you've probably seen plenty of headlines suggesting buyers have just about disappeared. But there's a big difference between a slow market and a stalled one. Yes, mortgage rates are still higher than most people would like. Homes aren’t selling as fast as they were. And every week seems to bring another headline about buyers sitting on the sidelines. But here's what you haven't heard. Despite everything going on, buyer demand has been remarkably resilient. In fact, more sellers are getting to put up the “pending sale” sign now than during the last two years. What's even more surprising is that they're doing it at a time of year when activity usually starts to slow down. And if you're thinking about selling, that's a trend worth paying attention to. Buyers Are More Active Than You Think One of the best ways to measure buyer demand is by looking at pending home sales. Those are homes that have gone under contract but haven't closed yet. Think of them as a real-time pulse check on the market and whether buyers are still buying. HousingWire Data shows more homes are going under contract than at the same time the past 2 years (see graph below): While it may come as a surprise, the numbers speak for themselves. It doesn’t mean buyers are everywhere, but it does mean they’re still active right now. And even if this ebbs and flows a bit in the weeks ahead, right now we’re still ahead of where we’ve been lately. That's encouraging news if you're thinking about selling because it tells us something important… People haven't stopped buying homes. Serious buyers are still making moves. And a lot of these people are buying because they decided they can't keep waiting. Whether it's a growing family, a new job, retirement, or simply wanting a different home, life keeps moving… even when mortgage rates stay higher than we'd like. As Lawrence Yun, Chief Economist at the National Association of Realtors (NAR), explains : “A late spring buyer rush—even with mortgage rates not budging—is an indication of pent-up housing demand and consumers’ acceptance of above-6% mortgage rates as the new normal." So, if you've been worried no one’s buying, this data should give you some confidence. Today’s buyers aren't just casually browsing open houses on a Sunday afternoon, they've spent months waiting for rates to improve and now they realize they can’t wait anymore. That means they have a purpose and a timeline. And that's exactly the kind of motivated buyer you want to work with. What This Means for Your Sale Does that mean every house will sell instantly? No . Today's market is more balanced than it was a few years ago. So, you can’t just price your house however you want or skip preparing it for the market. Now buyers have choices, and they're willing to wait for the right home at the right price. But sellers who understand today's market (and price and position their homes right) are still finding success. Because the idea that "no one's buying right now" just isn't supported by the data. The buyers are there. The opportunity is there. The key is having the right strategy to capture it. Bottom Line This year's housing market may be moving slower than many of us hoped. But, buyer demand is more resilient than the headlines suggest. If you're wondering whether there are enough buyers for your house, let's connect. I'll show you what's happening in our local market and build a strategy that helps you take advantage of the momentum that's already here.

The “Take It or Leave It” Attitude Is Fading from the Market – What That Means for You

By KCM • September 6, 2026
The “Take It or Leave It” Attitude Is Fading from the Market – What That Means for You Negotiations are back. More buyers are asking for better deals , and more sellers are giving them. Builders are throwing in extras, too. That’s why whether you’re buying or selling today, there are two terms you’ll hear a lot: concession and incentive. A concession is something a seller agrees to during negotiations to get a deal done. An incentive is a perk a builder (or a seller) advertises upfront to attract buyers. Let’s run through what you need to know about both and how they could play a role in your move. More Sellers Are Agreeing to Concessions Almost half (46%) of homeowners who sold recently gave the buyer a concession, according to Redfin. That’s the highest share on record for this time of year. And roughly 1 in 7 (16%) sellers went a step further, cutting their asking price and offering a concession on top (see chart below): So, what kind of concessions are we talking about? A seller might cover part of your closing costs , take care of a repair, or offer a credit that trims your upfront costs. It’s how they keep a deal on track when buyers have more options to choose from – and homeowners aren’t the only ones compromising. Builders Are Cutting Prices, Too Newly built homes are seeing the same push and pull. According to the National Association of Home Builders (NAHB), 62% of builders are offering incentives right now. And about 35% are cutting prices outright (see chart below): Those incentives often look like: Price adjustments Mortgage rate buydowns Free upgrades, like nicer finishes or appliances Danielle Hale, Chief Economist at Realtor.com, explains why: "New construction has been one of the steadiest parts of the housing market over the past few years, but builders are clearly responding to today's affordability pressures and higher levels of existing-home inventory." Even builders, who many people think rarely negotiate, are competing on price and perks. They have been for over a year now. The same data shows this is the 15th straight month where more than 60% of builders have offered incentives to sweeten the deal. And that’s significant. What This Means for Your Move If you're buying , this is a good time to ask. Whether you have your eye on an existing house or a newly built home, there's a chance the seller or builder will meet you partway on price, terms, or both. If you're selling , expect buyers to ask. Even builders of brand-new homes are making concessions more often than not right now. Holding firm on every term could mean more time on the market, or a lost sale altogether. Bottom Line Sellers and builders are both giving buyers more to work with this year. Want to know what’s realistic to expect in concessions and incentives in our market? Let’s connect.

Thinking About Waiting for Lower Mortgage Rates? Read This First.

By KCM • September 4, 2026
Thinking About Waiting for Lower Mortgage Rates? Read This First. Imagine waiting a year to buy a home, only to find mortgage rates haven't changed much. That may sound frustrating.But it's a real possibility. A lot of people are putting their plans on hold because they believe much lower mortgage rates are right around the corner. But, based on today's forecasts, that may not happen. And you should know that before you decide what to do. Let's look at why experts don't expect a dramatic drop in rates – and the options that could help you buy anyway. Because even if rates don’t fall, you can still move. Here’s how. 1. Mortgage Rates Aren’t Expected To Fall in a Meaningful Way If you're waiting for rates to fall, you're not alone. A recent survey from Clever-Best Interest found 42% of people believe mortgage rates will drop below 5% this year. The challenge is, that's not what the experts who study mortgage rates every day are expecting. Forecasts from Fannie Mae, the Mortgage Bankers Association, and Wells Fargo all show mortgage rates staying relatively steady in the low-to-mid 6% range through at least mid-2027 (see graph below): Why? Rates are influenced by inflation, the overall economy, Treasury yields, Federal Reserve policy, global events, and a lot of other moving pieces. And right now, those factors simply aren't pointing toward the kind of dramatic rate drop many buyers are waiting for. Could rates move a little? Of course. But if you're holding out for a bigger drop, today's forecasts suggest you may be waiting a lot longer than you expect. 2. Inflation Is Still Elevated – And That’s Working Against Lower Rates One reason experts aren't expecting rates to fall much? Inflation. Generally speaking, high inflation is the enemy of lower mortgage rates. And after a period of relative stability from mid 2023 to late 2025, recent data shows inflation has actually been trending higher lately (see graph below): In other words, one of the biggest ingredients needed for much lower mortgage rates simply isn't in place today. That helps explain why experts aren't forecasting the kind of meaningful decline so many buyers are hoping for. 3. Today’s Rates Aren’t High, They’re "Normal" And this may be the biggest mindset shift of all. The reality is, while today's rates may feel high compared to a few years ago, they're not high. They’re normal. Historically, mortgage rates have spent the majority of their time somewhere between about 5% and 10%. And data from Freddie Mac shows we’re actually well in that range today. It just feels high because we all remember the ultra-low rates homeowners got during the pandemic (see graph below): Now, this doesn't suddenly make a 6% mortgage feel exciting. But it does remind us that waiting for super low rates again may not be a realistic strategy. So... What Should You Do Instead? None of this is meant to convince you that you have to buy today. You don’t. But if you need to because something in your life’s changed , there are still ways to find better affordability without waiting for mortgage rates to fall. Check out newly built homes. Many builders are offering incentives to attract buyers, including price cuts, potentially lower rates, free upgrades, and more. Ask about an adjustable-rate mortgage (ARM). If you don't plan to stay in the home long-term, an ARM may offer a lower initial interest rate than a traditional 30-year fixed mortgage. It's not the right choice for everyone, but it's worth asking a lender if it fits your plans. Look into mortgage rate buydowns. This is when you pay upfront to reduce your mortgage rate so you can get for a lower monthly payment without waiting for rates to fall. Find out about assumable mortgages. An assumable mortgage allows you to take over the seller’s existing loan, including its lower mortgage rate. The important thing is you shouldn’t assume waiting is your only option. Talk with your real estate agent and lender about whether one of these strategies could be a good fit for you. Bottom Line If you've been putting your home search on hold because you're convinced mortgage rates will be much lower soon, it may be worth taking another look at that strategy. Let’s connect so you have an expert who can at least walk you through your options and decide whether waiting really puts you in a better position – or just keeps you on the sidelines a little longer.
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