Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Is AI the New “Well-Meaning Dad” for Real Estate Buyers and Sellers?

By The Inner Circle • March 31, 2026
People are turning to AI for just about anything you can think of: Trying to figure out if a strange symptom is worth a doctor’s visit Drafting a text they’ve been overthinking for three days Deciding whether that noise coming from their car is “normal” or “you should probably pull over immediately” Even asking how to handle awkward conversations, negotiate a salary, or plan out major life decisions So of course, it makes sense that people buying or selling a home would turn to AI at different stages of the process. And to be fair, it can be incredibly useful. It can give you a general sense of how the process works, help you understand terminology, and prepare you to ask better questions. Ideally, it helps make things smoother. More efficient. More informed. But that really hinges on whether it’s actually giving you accurate information, and whether that information is being interpreted correctly. That’s not to say that AI always gives wrong or even bad advice. But one thing it always gives is…confident advice. And sometimes, that confidence can be misplaced. When Everyone’s AI Answer Is “Right”… Things Can Go Wrong A recent story making the rounds is a perfect example of how this can play out in real life. According to NewsNation , well-known celebrity agent Ryan Serhant shared how a major deal nearly fell apart because both sides were turning to AI for guidance during negotiations. Basically, the seller asked if they were accepting too low of an offer, and AI confidently said yes. On the other hand, the buyer asked if they were paying too much. And, wouldn’t you know it, they were confidently told that they were in fact overpaying. That led to both sides wanting to cancel the contract. The agents involved were able to step in, help their respective clients understand the market data, and ultimately bring the parties back together to salvage the deal. And that’s becoming a more common role in today’s market. Agents are having to help people navigate situations where the challenge isn’t a lack of information… but rather being too certain about the information they are receiving. Very Few People Actually Trust AI, Yet Many Still Follow Its Advice A recent survey found that while only 16% of people say they trust AI “a great deal,” yet many still rely on its answers when making decisions. Even more interesting: 58% of people admit AI has influenced their opinions 32% don’t fully understand how it generates answers And despite all of these things, many people still rely on the confident-sounding answer from AI over a trusted, verified source That’s a tricky combination. Because if you don’t fully understand how something works, it becomes very hard to recognize when it might be wrong. And when the answer is delivered in a way that sounds authoritative, it’s easy to accept it at face value. AI Is the New Dad in the Room In a way, none of this is entirely new. Real estate agents have been navigating this dynamic for years, it just typically comes from different sources. For instance: The well-meaning buyer’s dad at the home inspection. A relative who “sold a lot of houses” in their life. (It was two. And they were in the 80s and 90s.) Their hair stylist who knows every house on the market in town. That’s just to name a few examples. There are plenty of other people with thoughts and opinions they want to share with someone who is in the middle of buying or selling a home. And, while they come in all shapes and sizes, the one thing they all have in common is that they are absolutely, 100% confident in the advice they give. Unfortunately, their perspective and advice is often wrong or outdated, which puts the agent in a tough spot because they have to gently untangle advice that sounds logical, but isn’t actually good advice. People are often speculating how many jobs AI will replace in the near future. Will it replace the well-meaning friend or family member soliciting advice to home buyers and sellers? Probably not. Most likely AI will just be added to the list of outside advice agents have to help their clients assess and decide whether it’s accurate or not. And that’s really what this all comes down to. By all means, use AI. Ask it questions. Get a feel for things. Explore different angles. And while you’re at it, hear out the thoughts and advice of friends, family, and even that random person who sounds incredibly confident in what they’re saying. There’s nothing wrong with gathering input. But at the end of the day, just make sure you have an agent you trust helping you weigh the confident-sounding advice… so you can make a confident decision of your own. The Takeaway: More and more people are turning to AI for advice, and when it comes to buying or selling a home, that’s no exception. It can be a helpful starting point, giving you a general understanding of the process and helping you feel more prepared. The challenge is that AI often delivers confident answers that can sound right… even when they don’t fully apply. That’s why having a trusted agent matters. Not just to provide information, but to help you interpret what you’re hearing from AI (or even a well-meaning friend or relative), filter out what doesn’t apply, and guide you toward decisions that actually work in your specific situation.

If Your House Isn’t Getting Offers, Read This.

By KCM • March 30, 2026
If Your House Isn’t Getting Offers, Read This. Online searches for “can’t sell house” just hit an all-time high according to Google Trends . So, if your house has been sitting on the market without any bites, you’re not the only one. But it's also not the end of the road. Homes are selling every day, so you can turn this around. You just need to take another look at your approach. If you’re feeling this pain, know this: an online search engine isn’t where you should go for your answers. It’s much better to talk to your agent. Because a search engine doesn’t know your market or your house. But your agent does. While a quick search or an AI platform may give you some tips on what to try, only an expert agent can actually diagnosis what’s going on – and how to fix it. For example, your agent knows most homes that struggle to sell today are usually being held back by one (or more) of these three things. 1. Presentation: Buyers Will Compare Everything When inventory was tight a few years ago, buyers overlooked imperfections because they had to, or they’d lose out to another bidder. Now? That’s no longer the case. Today’s buyers scroll through dozens of listings in just minutes. They compare condition, updates, lighting, finishes, layout, and more – all side by side. If your home feels dated, cluttered, or in need of repairs, buyers will notice and it’ll knock your house right off their list of contenders. This doesn’t mean you need a full renovation. But it does mean first impressions matter again. To compete today, you need curb appeal. Clean spaces. Neutral colors. Professional photos. If there are scuffs on the walls, obvious repairs, or too many outdated features, it could be what’s holding you back. 2. Pricing: If the Price Isn’t Compelling, It’s Not Selling This is maybe the hardest one to hear, but what your neighbor sold their house for a few years ago isn’t necessarily the same price you’ll get today. As Selma Hepp, Chief Economist at Cotality, says : “For sellers, the days of pricing aggressively and expecting instant offers are largely over. Homes that are well-priced and well-presented will still sell, but pricing discipline matters more than it did during boom years .” Buyers are budget-conscious right now. If your home is priced based on outdated expectations instead of current demand, buyers may still look at your house online… but they likely won’t write an offer. Or, they’ll make an offer that you think is too low. Pricing too high for this market is one of the top things sellers miss the mark on today. And those who aren’t willing to meet the market where it is or entertain offers may feel stuck. 3. Access: If Buyers Can’t See It, They Can’t Buy It It sounds obvious but limited showing availability can kill your momentum. If your house isn’t easy to see because you’re restricting showings to evenings only, no weekends, or requiring a 24-hour notice, you're cutting your buyer pool down by more than you may realize. And the more friction you create, the fewer buyers walk through the door. In a market where buyers have more options, the last thing you want to do is give them a reason to skip your house. Availability matters because if no one sees it, no one buys it. Don’t Let Search Results Decide Your Next Step When your house isn’t selling, it’s tempting to spiral and wonder if it’s the market or if something’s wrong with your house. But instead of searching for answers online, here's what to do. Sit down with your agent and ask three honest questions: What are buyers looking for in today’s market? What feedback are we getting from showings? Why do you think my house hasn’t sold yet? That conversation will bring a lot more clarity than any search engine results. Bottom Line If your listing feels stuck, it’s not a sign you shouldn’t sell. It’s the market giving you feedback. And feedback is powerful when you use it. Start with a real conversation with a real agent about what’s working and what’s not. Your agent will be able to tell you which small adjustments could totally change the momentum. Because in this market, the sellers who adapt are the ones who move.

Your Home May Be Part of the Great Wealth Transfer — But It Could Be Costly for Your Heirs

By Inner Circle (The Lighter side of Real Estate) • March 26, 2026
The oldest living generation today is often described as sitting on a tremendous amount of wealth. Much of it has been built slowly over decades, and a large portion of it is tied up in real estate — homes where decades of life took place — paid down slowly, maintained carefully, and held onto for years. Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about how that wealth will eventually be passed on to younger generations, and how it could dramatically change their lives. Some of the headlines make it sound as though heirs are simply waiting in the wings, ready to receive an inheritance and turn it into luxury purchases, second homes, or dramatic lifestyle upgrades. It can create the impression that the next generation is counting the days until they receive the wealth that took a lifetime to build, and the ways that it will be quickly spent. But in reality, that picture doesn’t reflect what many families actually experience. For many heirs, the wealth they inherit doesn’t arrive as money at all. It is often in the form of a home. And it usually takes time, effort, coordination, and decisions that aren’t simple to make, especially during an already emotional period before the house provides them with any form of money to spend on their own. Inheriting a Home Can Actually Be a Financial Burden When someone inherits a home, they haven’t inherited cash that can be used right away. They’ve inherited a property that comes with responsibilities, decisions, and ongoing costs. Even before anything can be sold, there are practical realities to manage. Property taxes still come due. Insurance needs to remain in place. Utilities, upkeep, and sometimes association fees don’t stop when they inherit the property. And if the home sits vacant, those expenses can actually increase, not decrease. There are often administrative steps to work through as well. Settling an estate, navigating probate timelines, coordinating paperwork, or addressing title issues can take longer than people expect or can easily manage. When multiple heirs are involved, decisions can become more complex, even when everyone has good intentions. All of this means there is often a long stretch between inheriting a home and being able to access any financial benefit from it. In fact, that in-between period can be especially challenging because it may also require them to spend their own time and money in order to maintain the property, at a moment when they are already dealing with loss and transition. The Money May Be Helpful… Just Not Life-Changing The phrase “generational wealth” can create unrealistic expectations. While some heirs do inherit properties worth millions, many inherit homes with far more modest equity — especially once mortgages, liens, repairs, and selling costs are factored in. For a lot of families, the proceeds from selling an inherited home won’t fund a luxury purchase or dramatically alter their lifestyle. Instead, it may: Pay down lingering debt Rebuild savings that were stretched thin Cover education expenses Serve as a long-awaited down payment on a home of their own Provide a financial buffer during uncertain times All of that is meaningful. But for most heirs, their inheritance is more about stability than it is an immediate path to a high-end lifestyle often imagined when people hear “generational wealth.” It Might Be Difficult to Talk About, But It’s Worth It Talking about what will happen to a home after someone passes can feel morbid, premature, or even unnecessary. Many homeowners plan to live in their home for the rest of their lives, and updating it or thinking about the future may not feel necessary. So if this isn’t an easy topic to bring up, that’s completely understandable. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the responsibilities disappear. It simply passes them along to your heirs, who must navigate decisions, logistics, and costs while also coping with loss. Thoughtful planning doesn’t have to mean selling early or making major changes. Often, it’s as simple as understanding the home’s condition, keeping records organized, knowing its likely market value, or having a clear sense of what will need to be done — and by whom — when the time comes. As difficult as it might be, the most meaningful thing you can do for yourself and your heirs is to start open conversations now and discuss how the house will eventually be handled. The Takeaway: Headlines about the “great generational wealth transfer” often make it sound like an entire generation is about to become extremely wealthy and start buying luxury real estate. Some heirs may use their inheritance that way. But for most, the reality is far less glamorous. Much of the inherited wealth comes in the form of real estate — homes that need upkeep, management, and careful decisions before any financial benefit can be realized. Proceeds from selling an inherited home can be meaningful (paying down debt, rebuilding savings, or helping with a down payment), but they rarely become a life-changing windfall. For most heirs, it’s about stability, not luxury. Open conversations and thoughtful planning now can help ensure that when the time comes, an inheritance provides support instead of unexpected financial or emotional stress.
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