Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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The House That Started It All Could Kickstart What's Next

By KCM • August 17, 2026
The House That Started It All Could Kickstart What's Next Remember how exciting it was to buy your first place? It felt like crossing a long-awaited finish line. It gave you a place to build your life. Maybe it’s where you lived when you got married. Or where you welcomed a child or a pet into the family. But that was just the beginning. For most people, your first house was never meant to be your forever home. It’s a stepping stone for what comes next. And if your life looks different today than it did when you got the keys, you’re not stuck. Moving may be more realistic than you think. Starter Home Inventory Is Still Relatively Low If you've been wondering whether now is the right time to move up, here's something worth knowing. Starter homes remain one of the hardest types of homes to find. And that's good news if you're thinking about selling your first place. Historically, we haven’t been building enough homes for first-time buyers. And even though homebuilders have shifted more attention toward smaller, entry-level homes lately, the Census shows there’s a long way to go to re-build supply (see graph below): That means your current house is in demand – and that’s a dream scenario for sellers. But that’s only half the story. You also need somewhere to go. There Are More Move-Up Homes on the Market Here’s where this gets interesting. While the supply of starter homes remains tight (the green line), data from Redfin shows that the number of homes for sale has been climbing overall (the blue line): As Nadia Evangelou, Principal Economist and Director of Real Estate Research at the National Association of Realtors (NAR), explains : “Too much of the inventory available today remains concentrated at higher price points, leaving a shortage of options for entry-level and middle-income buyers.” That means you may have more choices for your move up than you'd expect. Whether you're hoping for another bedroom, a home office, a bigger backyard, or simply more room for this next stage of life, today's market may finally be giving you the chance to find it. At the same time, your current house may be exactly what someone else has been looking for because homes like yours are still in short supply. That's a unique advantage for move-up buyers. And it could help you sell for a stronger price. As Zillow says: "Starter home value appreciation has outpaced other types of homes nationally, mostly because they're so in demand." Your Biggest Advantage May Be Your Equity Here’s the cherry on top. There's one more thing your first home has been doing behind the scenes, and that’s building equity . Every mortgage payment you've made and every year your home's value has grown has quietly increased your ownership stake in your house. According to Cotality , the average homeowner with a mortgage has $295k in equity built up. While your number may be different, once you sell, it could become the down payment on your next home or help reduce the amount you need to borrow at today’s rates. Put it all together and your move up becomes a lot more realistic than you think: The house you're selling is in demand. The house you're buying may be easier to find. And the equity you've built can help bridge the gap between the two. Your first home did exactly what it was supposed to do. It gave you a place to start. Now, it may be the thing that helps you take the next step. Bottom Line Your first home was never meant to be your forever home. It was meant to help you build a life and build the financial foundation for whatever came next. If your current home no longer fits the life you're living today, let’s connect. You may be closer to your next chapter than you realize.

Priced Out? A Condo or Townhome Could Be Your Way In.

By KCM • August 16, 2026
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More Homes, Better Prices: A Buyer’s Summer

By KCM • August 14, 2026
More Homes, Better Prices: A Buyer’s Summer If you’ve thought about buying a home in the past few years, you may have run into two frustrations: asking prices that kept climbing and too few homes to choose from. In many places, both sticking points are letting up this summer, with lower asking prices and more homes for sale. Let’s look at the trends, and what they mean for your search. Sellers Are Pricing To Attract Buyers According to Realtor.com, the national median asking price was $430,000 in June, nearly $11,000 under what it was the year before (see graph below): That’s the eighth month in a row that the typical asking price has dipped below where they were the previous year, according to the same Realtor.com report. And while falling prices can sound worrying, this isn’t a sign of an impending crash. We’re talking about asking prices, not sold prices. This is a sign that today’s sellers are meeting the market where it is and pricing to draw buyers. And that’s actually something normal we’d expect from the market. As Danielle Hale, Chief Economist at Realtor.com, puts it : “Sellers are reading market conditions and are pricing accordingly from the start rather than listing high and cutting later, and buyers are taking note and making bids. This is a welcome sign that we are in a functioning market. ” Asking prices were never going to climb forever – now they're just settling closer to what buyers can actually pay. That signals a healthier market, and sellers re-adjusting their expectations. More Homes Are Available Now If you’ve spent the past few years watching homes disappear before you could even schedule a tour, this is for you. Supply is starting to catch up. According to Realtor.com, the number of homes listed for sale in June was the highest June number we’ve seen in three years (see graph below): This means more options for you and less competition for each one. Now, supply is not back to normal everywhere. As you can see, we’re still down from where we were back in 2017-2019. But in many places, it’s better than it’s been in a while. Here’s how that helps you. You don’t have to rush an offer just to stay in the running, and you have better odds of finding and landing the right home, not just the one that’s available. Plus, you’ll have more room to negotiate, so you’re searching from a stronger position than buyers had even a year ago. Why This Is Encouraging if You’re Buying Your First Home For first-time buyers looking for lower-priced homes, these trends line up especially well. Mischa Fisher, Chief Economist at Zillow, explains: “The lowest price tiers are exhibiting some softness in terms of price, they also had the most listing-activity growth, the first time since 2022 that’s been the case.” So, if you’re searching for your first place or your next house, there's a little more to choose from and a little more give on price. Bottom Line If a tight budget or a thin selection has kept you from buying a home, now might be the time to restart your search. Ready to see what’s available here? Let’s connect.
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