Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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New Construction Could Help Affordability, But Buyers Should Watch This One (First) Step

By The Lighter Side of Real Estate • August 5, 2026
Housing affordability has become one of those rare topics almost everyone agrees on: it’s a problem. Buyers feel it, renters feel it even more, homeowners talk about it, and politicians on both sides of the aisle regularly float ideas on how to fix it. Tax credits, zoning changes, interest rate adjustments, down payment assistance programs — for nearly every proposed solution, there’s a counterargument about whether it actually helps or just sounds good on paper. But one idea comes up again and again, across government, finance, real estate, and even everyday conversations among buyers and homeowners: build more homes. At its core, real estate is supply and demand in action. When demand outpaces supply, prices rise. When supply catches up, prices tend to stabilize or fall. So the logic is simple enough. If affordability is the issue, adding more housing inventory should help relieve some of the pressure. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Builders aren’t public utilities. They’re private businesses with margins to protect, financing costs to manage, and risk to account for. Construction costs, labor shortages, permitting delays, and interest rates all play a role in whether new homes will actually get built. But with enough incentives and pent-up demand, it’s not unreasonable to think we could see a meaningful wave of new construction in the near future. And if that happens, you might just find yourself excited to go out and look for a new construction home! A Lot of Buyers Casually Walk Into a Model Home for a “Quick Look” For many buyers, the new construction process starts casually. Maybe they drive past a new development and decide to pull in. They walk through a model home “just to look.” They chat with the on-site sales representative — or even the builder directly. It feels low-pressure, informational, and harmless. After all, no one’s signing anything… yet. But what often happens next is where things get complicated. Buyers go home and sleep on it. They come back another time. Maybe even a third. Eventually, it starts to feel real — and that’s when many decide it would be smart to bring in their own real estate agent for guidance, negotiation help, and an extra set of eyes on the contract. Unfortunately, when they try to do that, they often find out it’s already too late to get their own agent involved. Why That First Visit Matters More than Most Buyers Realize What many buyers don’t realize is that the very first visit to a new construction site quietly sets the rules for how the rest of the transaction will unfold. From the builder’s perspective, walking into a model home without an agent isn’t just a casual look, it potentially establishes the buyer as someone working directly with the builder’s sales team. Many builders have clear internal policies that say if a buyer’s first interaction happens without a real estate agent present, that buyer is considered “registered” to the builder. Once that happens, bringing in an outside agent later may not be allowed at all, or may require special approval which can be difficult to obtain. Why? Because builders aim to keep tight control over their sales process. They control the product, the pricing, the incentives, the timelines, and the messaging. Introducing an independent buyer’s agent — especially after conversations, tours, or pricing discussions have already started — adds another voice to the process. And that voice is focused solely on the buyer’s interests. That doesn’t make builders villains. It’s simply how many new construction sales are structured. But it does mean that a decision that feels small in the moment — “Let’s just stop in and take a look” — can have lasting consequences. By the time buyers realize they want professional representation and negotiation help, the window to involve their own agent may already be closed. “Do I Even Need My Own Agent for New Construction?” Some buyers, especially those who like the idea of a streamlined process, question whether bringing their own agent makes sense at all. After all, the builder already has a sales rep. The price is often set. The home is brand new. What’s there to negotiate? It’s a fair question — and one that builders are happy to let buyers ask themselves. But it’s important to remember that the builder’s sales agent works for the builder. Their job is to protect the builder’s timeline, pricing, and contract terms. They are not obligated to point out unfavorable clauses, suggest alternatives, or flag long-term resale considerations. An independent buyer’s agent serves a very different role. Their responsibility is to the buyer — not the builder. That means advising on contract terms, explaining how builder add-ons and incentives actually affect the bottom line, and helping buyers understand where there may be room to negotiate, even when the base price appears “fixed.” In new construction, negotiations often happen in less obvious places. Closing cost credits, upgrade packages, lot premiums, build timelines, contingency language, and even how issues are handled during construction can all have real financial and practical implications. These are details buyers may not think to question, but they can matter long after the excitement of choosing finishes wears off. An experienced agent can also provide context that isn’t available in the model home. How this builder compares to others nearby. How resale values have held up in similar developments. Whether certain upgrades tend to pay off (or not) when it comes time to sell. That kind of perspective doesn’t come from the builder’s sales office, because it doesn’t serve their interests to provide it. In short, new construction may look like a straightforward sales process on the surface, but it’s still a real estate transaction between a buyer and a seller. A seller who is often much more experienced than the buyer… So if you find yourself tempted to stroll into a model home in the near future, it may be worth pausing and scheduling that first visit with your own real estate agent instead. The Takeaway: If new construction inventory starts to increase, that’s good news for buyers and the market as a whole. More options, less pressure, and a healthier balance between supply and demand are all positives. But buyers should slow down before casually walking into a model home alone. If there’s any chance you’ll want an agent to be involved in the purchase, they should be part of the first visit — or at least formally registered in advance. A quick conversation upfront can preserve options, protect representation, and prevent frustration later.

The AI Home Sale Story Everyone’s Talking About… Is Missing One Key Detail

By The Lighter Side of Real Estate • August 3, 2026
You may have seen the headlines making the rounds lately about a homeowner who supposedly sold his house using AI. At face value, it sounds like something straight out of the near future. Most of the headlines made it seem like the guy typed in a few prompts and AI handled the marketing, found a buyer, guided the negotiations, and just like that… sold. But if you actually listen to an interview with the seller, the story sounds a little different. He makes it clear that AI was more of a tool helping with pricing ideas, marketing, and understanding the general process of selling a house. He also openly admitted that he hired an attorney to review the contract. So, like a lot of things you see online, it wasn’t quite as simple as it was made to sound. And as it turns out… he had even more help than he let on. The Part That’s Not Getting Talked About According to this article from the National Association of Realtors , there’s a key detail that tends to get left out of the story. There was a real estate agent involved. Not representing the seller, but representing the buyer—and in the process, doing a lot more than just “bringing the buyer.” While the seller enlisted the help of an attorney, he still found himself needing timely help and answers. So the agent ended up taking calls from the seller on a daily basis, from as early as 7:30 AM to as late as 11 PM one evening, helping answer his questions and guiding him through the process. In other words, doing many of the things a listing agent typically does, in order to help her client successfully buy a house from a seller who didn’t know the process. The reality is, this wasn’t a case of “AI handled everything.” There were still several humans involved, and one of them was an experienced real estate agent helping navigate the deal. Headlines Should’ve Said: “Local Man Sells House for Sale by Owner” When you really stop and think about it, this really is nothing more than a story about a For Sale By Owner (FSBO) transaction. This is really nothing new. A percentage of homeowners choose to go that route every single year. Some have success. Most quickly realize there’s more to the process than they expected. The only difference here is the tool being used. Not many years ago, this headline might have read: “Homeowner Sells House Using the Internet!” People have used Google to find information, online tools to create marketing for their home, and websites to expose their home to the market. Today, it’s AI. Different technological innovation. Same basic concept. Because at the end of the day, technology can help you get in the game… but it doesn’t suddenly make you an expert in everything that happens once you’re in it. Then Again, FSBOs Are at an All-Time Low… According to the National Association of Realtors , despite all the technology available today, For Sale By Owner transactions are at an all-time low, accounting for just 5% of all home sales. So all of those headlines probably should have focused on the fact that he sold his house FSBO! That’s probably more accurate. At a time when sellers have more access than ever to information, marketing tools, and now AI, the overwhelming majority still choose to work with a real estate agent. That doesn’t mean technology isn’t helpful. It is. AI can give you ideas, help you understand the process, and even make you feel more confident getting started if you’re thinking about selling on your own. But there’s a big difference between having access to tools, and knowing how to navigate everything that happens once your home hits the market. Pricing strategy. Buyer psychology. Negotiations. Inspections. Appraisals. Timelines. The unexpected issues that almost always come up along the way. That’s where experience tends to matter most. So if you’re thinking about using AI to sell your home based on this story, just know there’s more to it than meets the eye—and a reason why most sellers still choose not to go it alone. The Takeaway: A recent viral story about someone selling their house using AI makes it sound like the future has officially arrived. The headlines make it seem like all you have to do is type a few prompts, sit back, and watch your house sell. In reality, AI helped with some of the early steps, but there were still plenty of humans involved—including a buyer’s agent who ended up fielding calls and walking the seller through much of the process. So what you’re hearing about wasn’t a fully automated home sale. It was a For Sale By Owner deal with some tech mixed in. And considering FSBOs are at an all-time low of just 5%, that’s probably the part that should have made the headlines.

The Best Way to Figure Out If a New Home Would Really Make You Happier

By The Lighter Side of Real Estate • August 2, 2026
It’s common to look around your current home and wish for something better. More space. A different layout. A better location. Fewer compromises. That feeling doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your home—or with you. Very few people live in a place that feels perfect forever, and it’s human nature to wonder whether a different home might make you happier. That’s why a recent article from Realtor.com about whether a new home can make you happier can feel a little…conflicting. On one hand, it suggests that buying a new home could increase happiness. On the other hand, it says it might not. It’s an honest take, but it doesn’t really help much. The reality is, there’s rarely a definitive answer. True happiness usually runs deeper than square footage, finishes, or a new address. But if you’re hoping for some real clarity about whether buying a new home will actually make you happier, there may be a place to look for answers that most people don’t initially think to turn to… Most People Start by Venting to Friends, family…and ChatGPT When people start wondering whether a new home would actually make them happier, they usually don’t start by talking to a real estate professional. They start by bouncing it off of the people (and tools) they have in their day-to-day lives, such as: Friends , who know your personality, your habits, and the things you’ve been venting about for years Family members , especially if you’re close-knit—or if they’re providing financial help and feel entitled to weigh in A significant other , since any move will likely impact their life (and happiness) as well ChatGPT and other online tools , are increasingly being used to run scenarios, compare options, or talk through pros and cons Even a therapist , where big life decisions like housing naturally come up Each of these can be genuinely helpful—and in many cases, necessary—to make a thoughtful decision. The problem is that taken together, they can also make the decision more confusing than clarifying. Friends and family often filter advice through their own experiences, regrets, or wins Loved ones may unintentionally project fears or expectations that don’t fully apply to your situation Therapists can help you understand how you feel, but not whether a specific home or market reality actually makes sense Technology can explain concepts, but it doesn’t know your local market, what’s truly available, or which trade-offs are realistic All of these perspectives may help you sort through what you think will make you happy. What they tend to lack, however, is true insight into real estate itself. But Very Few Think to Confide in a Real Estate Agent For many buyers, real estate agents are still viewed through a pretty narrow lens. They’re seen as the person who schedules showings, unlocks doors, writes up paperwork, and—if you’re being cynical—tries to get a deal done as quickly as possible. That perception isn’t entirely surprising, since much of an agent’s work happens behind the scenes. But the truth is, good agents bring far more to the table than they’re usually given credit for—and in many cases, more than they’re ever paid for. Of course, they handle the things most people envision: showing houses, marketing listings, negotiations, inspections, managing timelines, contracts, and all the moving pieces that make a transaction actually happen. But those are just the baseline skills. The real value often lies in what agents learn and refine over years of working with people, not just properties. They’ve watched buyers chase homes they thought would make them happier, but didn’t deliver long-term satisfaction. They’ve helped others find unexpected joy in homes they initially overlooked. They’ve seen decisions driven by emotion work out beautifully—and others unravel under the weight of unrealistic expectations. That experience gives them context that no article, algorithm, or well-meaning friend can replicate. Over time, many agents also develop a set of soft skills that rarely get discussed. They often become an unofficial mix of trusted real estate expert, confidant, sounding board, and—at times—something closer to family. Someone their clients turn to for an uncommon blend of personal perspective and professional insight, wrapped into one relationship. The Sooner You Loop in an Agent, the Clearer the Decision Becomes If you find yourself casually saying things like “If only we had a bigger kitchen,” or “I wish this house had a better layout,” or even half-joking with a friend about how much happier you’d be in a different home, it probably doesn’t feel like a moment that calls for looping in a real estate agent. But that’s actually when bringing an agent into the conversation can be most valuable! A good agent can help you sort through those early thoughts before you make an entirely emotional decision to move forward, or do nothing and cope with a feeling of unhappiness. That doesn’t mean your agent should entirely replace the advice of friends and family, but you should definitely consider adding them in as an objective advisor who also understands the emotional side of the conversation. The Takeaway: It’s completely normal to feel like a new home might make you happier—and sometimes, it really does. That’s why most people start by running their thoughts and feelings by trusted friends, family, or their significant other. Those conversations matter and can be genuinely helpful. But many buyers wait to involve a real estate agent until they’ve already made a firm decision to buy, when in reality, looping one in earlier can be far more valuable. A trusted agent can act as a confidant and objective advisor, helping you sort through emotions, expectations, and real-world possibilities. That early clarity can make all the difference between a move driven by hope alone and one that truly supports long-term happiness.
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