Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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The 10 Best Markets for First-Time Buyers This Spring

By KCM • April 22, 2026
The 10 Best Markets for First-Time Buyers This Spring For a while, buying your first home hasn’t just felt hard. It may have felt out of reach. Not because you weren’t ready . Not because you weren’t trying . But because every time you ran the numbers, they didn’t work . That’s why so many first-time buyers stepped back. But after years of sitting on the outside looking in, this Spring could give buyers like you an opening again – especially in some markets. Metros Where Buyers May Have an Easier Time Breaking into the Market Zillow just released a list of the top 50 metros for first-time buyers this Spring. And here’s a quick snapshot of the top 10 (see chart below): According to Zillow, in these top-ranked markets, median-income households can afford 68% of all homes for sale . Let that sink in. Not long ago, it felt like you could barely afford anything. Now, you may actually have some options again. That doesn’t mean every home is suddenly going to fit your budget. But it does mean the door that felt closed for so many buyers is starting to crack back open. And in a number of cities, first-time buyers may finally be getting a shot at buying . Why This Is Starting To Open Up These cities are rising to the top not because of any one big change, but from a few smaller ones finally lining up. As Orphe Divounguy, Senior Economist at Zillow, explains: “ First-time buyers are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. Affordability is still a challenge, but rising incomes, stabilizing prices and improving inventory are creating real opportunities in parts of the country. In the strongest markets for first-time buyers, they'll find more choices, less competition and a clearer path to homeownership than they've had in years .” Basically, three big things are working in your favor: More homes are hitting the market. Realtor.com says inventory is up 8.1% compared to last year. That gives you more choices, less pressure, and more chances to find a place that fits your budget. Price growth is moderating, so homes aren’t moving further out of reach as quickly. Some may even be falling back within your target price point. Incomes are rising. If you make more money, that can offset some of the affordability challenges too. And even though mortgage rates have been higher lately, that combination can still make a difference. As Mark Fleming, Chief Economist at First American , explains : “Income growth has outpaced house price growth for 19 straight months, boosting house-buying power even as mortgage rates remain elevated.” How To Find the Opportunities in Your Local Market But what if your city didn’t make the top 10 list, or even the top 50 markets? Here’s what you really need to remember. There’s going to be opportunities in every market, if you know where to look. Even in the same city, two buyers can have completely different experiences. And a big part of that is who they choose as their partner. The right agent knows how to find pockets of opportunity in any market. That could mean: A neighborhood where prices haven’t climbed as quickly A part of town with more inventory, or A new build community offering incentives so builders can sell their inventory So, even if your city didn’t make the list, that’s okay. There’s still an opening for you, you just need your agent to help you find it. Bottom Line For a long time, first-time buyers have felt stuck, waiting for their turn to buy. But for some buyers, this Spring might be the first time in a while where things start to feel more within reach again. Want to see which neighborhoods could give you the best shot at buying right now? Let’s talk.

Affordability Has Improved in All 50 States

By KCM • April 12, 2026
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3 Must-Do’s for First-Time Home Buyers

By KCM • April 7, 2026
3 Must-Do’s for First-Time Home Buyers Buying your first home is exciting, but it can also be a little nerve-wrecking because it’s something you’ve never done before. And trying to think of everything you need to do can feel like a lot. But here’s the key. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. And you don’t have to do it all at once. Just tackle it one thing at a time. Here’s a simple list of 3 main things you should focus on to help you get started. 1. Assemble Your Team: Don’t Do This Alone Buying a home is a team sport. And having the right professionals by your side can make a world of difference. Here’s who you need to find: A local real estate agent is your guide from the first showing to closing day. They’ll make sure you understand all the details along the way, so you feel confident in your decision. A trusted lender will walk you through loan options, monthly payments, and what’s realistic for your situation. That information is something you’re going to want early on. 2. Prep Your Finances: Set the Foundation First This is what determines what you can afford, how competitive you’ll be, and how confident you’ll feel when it’s time to make an offer. Here’s how to get ready: Check your credit score. Your credit score impacts the loan options you’ll qualify for and even the mortgage rate you’ll get. Knowing this number early gives you time to work on raising your score, if you want to. Save for your down payment and closing costs. Most buyers focus on the down payment , but closing costs matter too. Having savings set aside for both helps you avoid last-minute stress and surprises. Look into assistance programs. Many first-time buyers qualify for programs that’ll give their homebuying savings a boost. This can make buying possible sooner than you expect. Talk to a lender about mortgage options. Fixed-rate, adjustable-rate, FHA, VA , and conventional loans all work differently. Understanding the options helps you choose what fits your goals best. Get pre-approved. A pre-approval tells you what a lender would be willing to give you for your home loan. This’ll help you figure out your price range and set you up to move fast when the right home comes along. Figure out your budget. Your mortgage is just one part of homeownership. Budgeting for your utilities, home insurance , and everyday expenses and maintenance will help make sure your payment feels comfortable, not stressful. 3. Gather Your Documents: Save Time (and Stress) When you’re officially ready to kick off the buying process, lenders are going to need to verify your income, assets, and financial history. Having these documents ready-to-go upfront can speed up the process and reduce back-and-forth. Here’s what Bankrate says you need to prep: W-2s and tax documents (past 2 years). These show income stability and help lenders verify your earnings over time. Recent pay stubs (generally the past 1–2 months). Pay stubs confirm your current income and employment status. Bank statements (past 2–3 months). These show your savings, spending patterns, and where your down payment funds are coming from. Investment account statements (past 2-3 months). If you’re using investments as part of your financial picture, lenders may ask for these as well. Copy of your driver’s license. This verifies your identity and is required for loan processing. Residential history (past 2 years). Lenders use this to confirm stability and background information. Statements for any outstanding debts (past 2 months). Student loans, auto loans, and credit cards affect your debt-to-income ratio, so lenders will want to know about them. Proof of supplemental income. Bonuses, commissions, side work, or child support may count toward your income if documented properly. Note: the exact time frames and list of documents may vary lender to lender. This is just a general rule of thumb to help you get the ball rolling. Bottom Line Buying your first home doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out. It just requires a plan. If you start with your finances, organize your documents, and surround yourself with the right people, you’ll be in great shape when the time comes to make a move. And if you want more information on anything in this list or just need help getting started, don’t hesitate to reach out.
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