Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Here’s Why Mortgage Rates Are What They Are Right Now

By KCM • August 25, 2026
Here’s Why Mortgage Rates Are What They Are Right Now If you're waiting for mortgage rates to fall a lot before you buy, you may be waiting a while. But before you get discouraged, there's a number working behind the scenes that's actually good for you right now. It's called the spread, and once you understand it, you may see today’s rates in a whole new light. The Pattern That’s Held for 50+ Years For starters, mortgage rates don't move on their own. They tend to follow the 10-year treasury yield, a number tied to how investors feel about the economy. It’s not an exact science, since plenty of other factors can move it day to day, but broadly speaking, when the economy looks strong, that yield tends to climb over time. When the outlook gets shaky, it tends to ease. For over 50 years, the 10-year treasury yield and mortgage rates have moved almost in lockstep (see graph below): The gap between them is called the “spread.” On average, that gap runs about 1.76 percentage points. And that spread impacts your mortgage rate. A wider spread tends to push mortgage rates higher than the treasury yield alone would suggest, while a narrower spread keeps rates closer to the treasury yield. One of the Big Reasons Rates Likely Won’t Drop Dramatically Anytime Soon If you’re hoping mortgage rates will drop a lot, here’s the reality – they probably won’t, at least not anytime soon. One of the big reasons why comes down to that spread between the 10-year treasury yield and mortgage rates. A few years ago, that gap got a lot wider as uncertainty in the economy pushed it as high as 3.19 points in 2023. Now here's the part worth noting – that gap has been narrowing lately. It’s down to about 2.01, just above the long-term average of 1.76 (see graph below): When the gap is wide, there’s more room for rates to fall. But when it’s relatively normal, like it is now, there’s less wiggle room for rates to fall. Why Mortgage Rates Aren’t Higher Right Now Today’s mortgage rate is basically the treasury yield plus the spread. So, when either one moves, your rate moves with it. Here are 3 different rates, all built off today's 10-year treasury yield of 4.68% to show you just how much the spread matters for your bottom line (see graph below): If the spread were still stretched out like it was in 2023, rates would be pushing close to 8% right now. That’s because the spread was over a full point wider than it is today. But now, thanks to the spread narrowing recently, today's rate sits around 6.69%. That’s the middle scenario in that visual. That's a big difference in your monthly payment compared what we could see if the spread was as big as it was 2023. As Logan Mohtashami, Lead Analyst at HousingWire, put it : “Of course, mortgage spreads being better in 2026 is the housing hero story of the year . . .” Now compare that middle bar to the 3rd one. If the spread were sitting at its exact long-term average, rates would be around 6.5%. That's only about a quarter of a point away from where rates actually are today. That means most of the improvement in mortgage rates we should realistically expect from a shrinking spread has already happened. In other words, the same narrowing spread that’s the reason rates aren’t close to 8% today is also a big reason why they’re not likely to fall a lot further. Bottom Line That’s the trade-off with a narrowing spread. Rates may not be where you want them, but they're better than they could've been. If you want help figuring out what that means for your monthly payment , reach out to a local lender

Buying a Home? Here's What You Should Know About Home Insurance Costs.

By KCM • August 24, 2026
Buying a Home? Here's What You Should Know About Home Insurance Costs. If buying a home is on your radar, you've probably been keeping an eye on mortgage rates and home prices . But don’t forget about homeowners insurance. Homeowners insurance has always been part of owning a home. But over the past few years, it's become a larger expense for many homeowners – something that's especially frustrating when affordability already feels tight. The good news? While premiums are still rising, the latest data shows those increases are beginning to slow. Here's what buyers should know. Home Insurance Costs Have Gone Up You've probably heard stories from friends or family about their premiums going up. And that’s not really a surprise when you consider data from the Pew Research Center shows 71% of homeowners say their insurance costs have gone up over the past few years. While no one likes rising costs, knowing what to expect can help you plan ahead. Your first insurance payment is typically included in your closing costs, but after that it'll become part of your monthly housing expenses. Getting an insurance quote early can help you build a more realistic budget and avoid surprises later. Premiums Are Rising, But Not as Fast as They Were Most of the headlines focus on how home insurance is getting more expensive. And that's true. But here’s the part that’s easy to miss. Insurance premiums are still rising. But they're not rising as fast as they were. According to the latest report from Rate Insurance, 2025 saw the first slowdown in annual premium increases since 2019 (see graph below): That doesn't mean premiums are getting cheaper. It simply means the rapid increases of the past several years may finally be starting to ease – a small but welcome step in the right direction. But what you’ll pay in one part of the country can look very different from what someone pays somewhere else. Where You Buy Can Make a Big Difference Insurance costs vary because some parts of the country experience more claims than others. That's why it's important to look at what's happening locally. Your premium will depend on things like where you're buying, the home itself, and the coverage you choose. Forbes data can give a rough idea of your state’s typical premiums. Check out the map below – the darker the blue, the higher the costs tend to be in that state: Ways To Lower Your Costs While you can't control every cost that comes with buying a home, you can control how prepared you are. If you’re crunching the numbers and trying to find ways to save, Insurify and NerdWallet offer these tips that can help you get the best insurance price possible: Shop Around – Compare quotes from multiple companies. Bundle Policies – Combine home and auto to see if a bundle price is cheaper. Ask If There Are Discounts – Don’t miss out on savings you may qualify for. Highlight Upgrades – Features like a new roof or storm windows can cut costs. Improve Your Credit – A stronger credit score can mean better premiums. One of the smartest things you can do is get an insurance quote before you make an offer. That way, you'll know what your monthly housing costs are likely to be before you commit. An insurance professional can walk you through your options and help you find coverage that fits both your needs and your budget. Bottom Line Homeowners insurance has become a bigger part of the homebuying conversation. But it doesn't have to become a bigger source of stress. The key is knowing what to expect before you buy. Get an insurance quote early, factor it into your budget, and lean on trusted local professionals to help you make the most informed decision possible.

Here’s Where To Start if You’re Selling and Buying at the Same Time

By KCM • August 20, 2026
Here’s Where To Start if You’re Selling and Buying at the Same Time If you're a homeowner getting ready to move , one question usually comes first: should you buy your next home before you sell, or sell your current house before you start looking? There's no single right answer. The best call depends on your finances, your local market, and your timeline. And a trusted agent can help you weigh all of it. But in a lot of cases these days, selling first puts you in the stronger spot. The Advantages of Selling First Selling is usually the trickier half of a move today, so getting it done first clears your biggest hurdle. And that’s especially true right now , because there are more homes for sale than there are buyers, which means houses are taking longer to sell than they did a year or two ago. So how does leading with your sale pay off? Let’s start with the money. 1. You Won’t Get Stuck Paying Two Mortgages Buy before you sell, and you could end up carrying two mortgages at once. And especially since houses are staying on the market longer these days, that overlap may drag on for more time than you’d planned. And if unexpected repairs come up, it could get even more expensive. Selling first takes that risk off the table, so you’re not multitasking homeownership. As Ramsey Solutions puts it: "It's best to sell your old home before buying a new one to avoid unnecessary risks and possible headaches." 2. You Can Use Your Equity To Fuel Your Move This is always true, but one of the biggest perks of selling first is that you’ll know exactly how much money you're walking away with. And one of the big figures that matters in that conversation is how much equity you have in your current place. Equity is basically your house’s value minus what you still owe on your mortgage. And it adds up fast. According to Realtor.com, homeowners who’ve been in their home for 5 years have about $180,000 in equity on average. And those who’ve had their home for 6-10 years? They have over $340,000. After you sell, you can use that money to cover your down payment or even buy your next home in cash. And knowing that profit up front helps you plan your next move. 3. Your Offer Will Be Hard To Pass Up When your house is already sold, you don’t have to make your offer contingent on that sale. In a market where buyers are taking their time, that’s exactly what a seller wants to see. Picture it from the seller’s side. If their house has been sitting for a while, they’ll gravitate toward the offer most likely to close without a snag. That can also give you room to ask for a little more, like repairs, since a motivated seller would rather keep things moving than lose you and wait for another offer to come in. Your agent can help you make the most of your upper hand in that scenario. Is There a Catch? Selling first has its tradeoffs too, and it helps to see the pros and cons side by side before you decide. Here’s a quick breakdown based on information from Zillow (see visual below): The cons are manageable with the right plan, so talk about them with your agent. They can help you negotiate things like a rent-back, where you stay in your house for a set time after closing, or line up flexible closing dates to keep the transition smooth. Bottom Line There's no one-size-fits-all answer to buying and selling at once. But for a lot of homeowners, leading with the sale makes moving easier on their mind and their wallet. Let’s connect, so you can navigate selling and buying with more confidence, more financial power, and less stress.m a different source.
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