Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Thinking About Selling Your Home? It Might Be Time to Toss Away the "Could Haves" and "Should Haves

By The Lighter Side of Real Estate • September 1, 2026
Every year, on the third Saturday of July, millions of people celebrate National Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day. OK… maybe not millions. But somebody probably does! While it’s not exactly the kind of holiday most people mark on their calendars, it’s built around an idea that’s surprisingly relatable. We all have moments we wish we could do over. Maybe you could have invested in a company before its stock took off. Maybe you should have kept that classic car instead of selling it years ago. Maybe you could have taken that job, started that business, or simply made a different decision somewhere along the way. Real estate has no shortage of “could haves” and “should haves,” either. In fact, one that’s been floating around quite a bit lately sounds something like this: “Maybe I should have sold my house a few years ago.” “Maybe I’ll just wait until the market gets better…” If you’ve been paying attention to the housing market lately, you may have noticed that some homeowners are putting their houses up for sale… and then deciding to take them back off the market. According to recent data , delistings have been on the rise as more sellers decide they’d rather wait than accept a market that isn’t quite living up to their expectations. In fact, they’re delisting at the highest rate since 2020, right around the time the pandemic began. When you think about it, it’s not hard to understand why. For several years, many sellers got used to homes selling almost immediately, multiple offers arriving within days, buyers waiving contingencies, and offers coming in above asking price. But, as real estate markets tend to do, they’ve changed in many areas. Depending on where you live, and the price range your home is in, buyers may have more choices than they’ve had in years. They may take longer to make a decision. They’re more likely to ask for inspections, repairs, seller concessions, or simply negotiate harder than they would have a few years ago. For some homeowners, that shift is frustrating enough to make them think… “Maybe I’ll just wait until the market gets better.” And for some people, that may absolutely be the right decision. Two Thoughts That Are Closer Than They Appear What’s interesting is that the two thoughts we’ve been talking about are actually pretty close cousins. “Maybe I should have sold my house a few years ago.” “Maybe I’ll just wait until the market gets better.” One is based on wishing you could go back and capitalize on yesterday’s market. The other is based on hoping you’ll recognize the right time to capitalize on tomorrow’s. They’re both completely understandable. In fact, they’re probably thoughts just about everyone has had at one point or another—not just in real estate, but in life. The catch is that neither one is particularly helpful when you’re trying to decide what to do today. After all, you can’t sell your house three years ago. And no one—not even the smartest economists—knows exactly what the housing market is going to look like three years from now. Or any other number of years for that matter. You can only make decisions based on what the market is currently doing. The Problem With Using Extraordinary as Your Baseline It’s also worth remembering that today’s market isn’t necessarily a bad market for sellers. In many parts of the country, home prices are still historically strong. In fact, if you ask many buyers how they feel about today’s market, there’s a good chance they’ll tell you homes are still too expensive and affordability remains one of their biggest challenges. What’s changed isn’t necessarily that sellers have lost all of their leverage. It’s that many of them have lost the extraordinary leverage they enjoyed just a few years ago. But now your home may take a little longer to sell. You might not have quite as many showings. Your buyer may ask for repairs or seller concessions that would have been laughed off during the frenzy of the pandemic market. None of those things necessarily mean it’s a bad time to sell. They may simply mean the market has become a little more… normal. And normal can feel disappointing when you’re comparing it to one of the strongest seller’s markets in modern history. Every Market Creates a Few “Should Haves” One of the interesting things about real estate is that every market eventually becomes the one somebody wishes they’d taken advantage of. Looking back, it’s easy to find a market where you wish you had bought, sold, or invested. The challenge, of course, is that nobody knows which market people will be saying that about until years later. Will some homeowners who decide to wait ultimately be glad they did? Absolutely. Every seller’s situation is different, and for some, waiting may prove to be exactly the right decision. But chances are, this market will also become one that at least some homeowners eventually look back on and say, “I probably should have sold then.” The only problem is that none of us knows which market that will be until we’re looking at it in the rearview mirror. That’s why “could haves” and “should haves” usually aren’t the best guide when making real estate decisions. They only show up after the fact. If you’re debating whether to sell now, wait a while, or even relist a home you recently took off the market, one of the smartest things you can do is have a conversation with a knowledgeable real estate agent. They can help you evaluate your local market, your personal situation, and your long-term goals so your decision is based on today’s realities—not yesterday’s regrets or tomorrow’s unknowns. And if nothing else, perhaps National Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day is a good reminder that yesterday’s market is gone, tomorrow’s market hasn’t arrived, and today’s market is the only one any of us actually gets to make decisions in.

Big Investors Are Backing Off and That’s Your Opening

By KCM • August 30, 2026
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Home Price Growth Slowed Down. That May Be Changing

By KCM • August 27, 2026
Home Price Growth Slowed Down. That May Be Changing. After more than a year of headlines talking about how home prices are going to crash , the latest data shows that price growth may be starting to pick back up again. And depending on whether you’re buying or selling, that shift means something different for you. The Numbers May Be Starting To Turn For the past couple of years, home price growth has been moderating – cooling from around 7% in mid-2024, according to Redfin (see graph below). But look at the right side of that graph. The pace of that growth appears to have hit its low point and started to turn. While a couple months of data doesn’t necessarily mean this will be a lasting trend, there are some other signs that this could continue. For example, fewer markets are seeing prices decline. According to ResiClub and Zillow, about 36% of the 300 largest housing markets had falling prices as of the middle of last year. Since the start of this year, that share has been shrinking. Now? Only 23% are experiencing those mild dips (see graph below): When fewer markets see prices falling, that means more markets are seeing prices rise again. And forecasts suggest this shift has room to run. On average, experts project home prices will rise about 2.3% nationally this year. And for that to happen, price growth would have to pick up a bit in the second half of 2026. But Remember, Real Estate Is Local While it looks like national prices may be starting to pick back up a tiny bit, that doesn’t mean that’s what’s happening in your neighborhood. National home prices are really just an average of hundreds of local markets. Some are climbing faster. Others are still cooling. But one reason the national average may be looking up is because a growing number of metros may actually be net positive for prices this year. Not long ago, the major metros were split about 50/50 – half seeing prices rise and half seeing them fall. Now, that balance looks like it’s starting to tip in a more positive direction. Just last month, more than half of the major metros saw prices go up, according to Redfin (see graph below): As Selma Hepp, Chief Economist at Cotality, explains : “. . . local markets continue to tell very different stories. Annual home price growth has changed little since the start of the year, but some markets, especially those supported by strong job and income growth in the West and more affordable Midwest markets, have seen notable acceleration in price gains.” What This Means for You Home price headlines can be confusing because they don’t always tell the full picture. Lean on an agent to understand what’s happening in your local market and what the early signs say for where prices may go from here. That’s the best way to stay one step ahead of the market. If you're buying: slower price growth has worked in your favor. You've had more room to negotiate and a budget you could plan around. If price growth is picking up in your area, buying now may mean paying less than you would later this year. If you own a home: you've been gaining equity all along, even while growth moderated. If growth keeps picking up, those gains could speed up, too. Lawrence Yun, Chief Economist at the National Association of Realtors (NAR), projects the typical homeowner will gain roughly $16,000 in housing wealth this year. And if you're thinking about selling, this shift is a good early sign for you. Just remember, the market is still pretty balanced and buyer-friendly in a lot of areas right now. Home price growth slowed way down, and now it's showing early signs of picking back up. Whether you're buying or selling, let's connect so you can see exactly what prices are doing in our local market and what that means for your plans. Bottom Line Home price growth slowed way down, and now it's showing early signs of picking back up. Whether you're buying or selling, let's connect so you can see exactly what prices are doing in our local market and what that means for your plans.
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