Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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Stay or Sell? How To Make the Right Call as You Age

By KCM • May 24, 2026
Stay or Sell? How To Make the Right Call as You Age At some point, as you start thinking about the years ahead , this question tends to come up: “Could I stay here long-term… or would it make more sense to move?” It’s not always urgent. It often shows up in small moments, like going up and down the stairs, keeping up with the maintenance, or just thinking about what the next chapter of your life might look like in this home. And for most people, the answer is simple. They want to stay. The USC Leonard Davis School of Gerontology found about 90% of adults over 65 prefer to stay in their homes as they get older (see below): But even if staying feels like the right answer, it’s still worth thinking ahead about what that might actually look like. That’s where the right agent can really help. What You Need To Plan for If You’re Staying in Your Home Aging in place is definitely possible. But it’s better if you have a plan. And here’s why. The home that once worked perfectly may need to change with you over the years. And it’s easier if you can anticipate those expenses. Sometimes that means small updates: like adding grab bars in the shower. Other times, you’ll have to make bigger decisions: like reworking layouts or moving key spaces to the first floor. Some of those changes are going to be simple. Others can be a meaningful investment. And that’s why thinking about it early matters. Not because you need to decide anything right now, but because it gives you time. Time to understand what your home may need. Time to explore your options. Time to find the right contractors. Time to space out the expense of the upgrades. According to ElderLife Financial, here's a rough baseline of what it could cost depending on what needs to be done (see below): And don’t worry. If your heart is really set on staying, but the costs feel like a concern, it helps to know you have options. Depending on your situation, there may be financial assistance programs available, along with tools like home warranties to help manage unexpected costs. Just remember, if you’re thinking about making updates, it’s always worth having a quick conversation before you start. A real estate agent can help you understand which changes tend to make sense for your situation and how they may impact your home’s value based on your local market. When Moving Might Make More Sense But staying isn’t always the best fit for every situation. According to Pegasus Senior Living: “While most seniors hope to age in place, practical considerations sometimes make selling a home the wiser choice.” Sometimes, it comes down to a simple shift: when the home that once made life easier, starts to make it harder. That might look like: Maintenance or yardwork that's starting to feel overwhelming Stairs or layouts that are getting harder to manage day-to-day Or needing more support or care or being too far from loved ones And sometimes, it’s not about necessity at all. It’s about lifestyle. Some homeowners just don’t want to live through major renovations. Others are ready to simplify, downsize , or move somewhere that better fits this next chapter, whether that’s a smaller home, a 55+ community, or a place closer to family. For them, moving simply means making daily life easier. Bottom Line There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here. Some people stay and make updates. Others move to simplify things. Either can be the right choice. The goal isn’t to pick one today. It’s to understand your options early, so when the time comes, you feel confident instead of rushed. And if you ever want a sounding board to think through what the future could look like for you, let’s connect.

Is Late May the Best Time To List Your House?

By KCM • May 21, 2026
Is Late May the Best Time To List Your House? You may have heard April 12-18 was the “best week” to list your house. That’s based on a report from Realtor.com. But now that it’s passed, you may be wondering if you missed your moment. Here's the good news – you didn’t. Because the reality is, there isn’t just one perfect week to sell your house this Spring. There’s a window. And right now, you’re still in it. Your Window To Sell Is Still Wide Open Here’s why. Different organizations run studies like this every year. And they don’t always land on the exact same week. That’s okay. It’s because they're using different research methods and even different definitions of what “best” means. But the fact that the results vary points to a larger trend. While there may be sweet spots, the entire Spring season gives sellers an opportunity to get some of the best conditions (and best sales prices) of the year. And it’s definitely not too late to jump in. Why Listing in Late May Is the Perfect Play According to Zillow, the best time to list your house this year is the last 2 weeks of May. And that’s approaching fast. Based on their analysis, this is the ideal time to do it if you want to make top dollar. Because, in this 2-week window, homes sell for more . Sometimes, quite a bit more. Depending on where you are and the price point in your area, some homeowners may even net tens of thousands of dollars extra in this sweet spot. As Zillow explains: “Why late spring? Buyer demand typically peaks before Memorial Day. Families want to move during the summer and settle in before the new school year. More buyers shopping at once can spark competition and lift prices .” And they’re not the only ones saying listing in May could be the key to selling for more. ATTOM Data analyzed almost 52 million home sales over the past 10 years and found sellers in May are achieving some of the highest returns . That means the ideal window this year is very much still open. What This Means for You If your goal is to sell for the strongest possible price, this is where timing and strategy come together. And you want to be sure you’re ready to make the most of it. So, what should you be doing right now? When prepping for a fast-moving window like this, you don’t want to waste time or money on the wrong prep work. And your agent is your go-to to make sure you’re focusing on the right things. They’ll be able to tell you if the “best week” is slightly different in your market. And what quick repairs or updates can help you get a higher price, without taking a ton of time or effort. Here's a quick example of things an agent may recommend based on information from Redfin: At the end of the day, when your prep time’s short, doing the right things matters more than doing more things. Bottom Line Zillow says the best time to list your house is just around the corner. Are you ready to make the most of it? If you want to take advantage of this Spring sweet spot and get top dollar for your house, let’s talk about what you need to do now to get ready to hit the market.

Think You Have To Put 20% Down? Most First-Time Homebuyers Don’t.

By KCM • May 20, 2026
Think You Have To Put 20% Down? Most First-Time Homebuyers Don’t. According to Google Trends, online searches for down payment information recently hit an all-time high. And that’s a clear sign more buyers are trying to figure out what they really need to save before making a move (see graph below): If you’re wondering the same thing, you can always turn to the internet for answers. But a lot of the time, it’s better to ask a local expert. Because here’s what a pro would tell you. The 20% Down Payment Myth The idea that you need 20% down to buy a home is one of the biggest misconceptions around the homebuying process. And the data debunks the myth. While there are benefits to putting that much money down, most first-time buyers put down far less. Here’s why. Unless it’s stated by your lender, you typically don’t have to have a 20% down payment. There are even some loan options designed to help you get into a home with a much smaller upfront cost. As the Mortgage Reports explains: “The amount you need to put down will depend on a variety of factors, including the loan type and your financial goals. If you don’t have a large down payment saved up, don’t worry—there are plenty of options available, and you don’t need to put down the traditional 20% . . . many homebuyers are able to secure a home with as little as 3% or even no down payment at all . . . ” For example, FHA loans allow down payments as low as 3.5% , while VA and USDA loans offer zero down payment options for qualified applicants, like Veterans. And those options are just one reason so many first-time buyers are able to buy without a 20% down payment. What Buyers Are Actually Putting Down So, if buyers aren’t doing 20%, how much do they actually put down? According to the National Association of Realtors (NAR), the median down payment for first-time homebuyers is only 10%. That’s half of what you probably expected. That means if you’re aiming to save 20% because you think you have to, you may be setting a timeline that’s longer than necessary. And here’s some more good news. It’s not only that you may be able to buy with less money down than you thought, but there are also options to help you get to your down payment goal even faster. Why You Should Look into Down Payment Assistance Programs There are a lot of programs designed to help you save for a down payment – and they can make a big difference in how fast you hit your savings target. Unfortunately, buyers don’t realize how many there are, or that they may qualify for help. Research from Realtor.com shows almost 80% of first-time homebuyers qualify for down payment assistance (DPA), but only 13% actually use it (see chart below): And that’s another big miss holding would-be buyers like you back. In the U.S., there are over 2,600 homeownership programs available, many offering significant financial support. As Down Payment Resource shares : “ With an average benefit of $18,000, down payment assistance (DPA) remains one of the most essential tools for addressing the nation’s affordability challenges. Programs continue to expand in scope, serving a broader range of incomes, property types and borrower needs, including first-generation, military and repeat buyers.” Imagine how much further your savings could go with an extra $18,000 you can use to buy. In some cases, you may even be able to stack multiple programs, giving what you’ve saved an even bigger boost. Bottom Line The simple truth is: most first-time buyers don’t put 20% down . And if you’ve been waiting to buy until you have that saved, you may be setting a timeline that’s longer than necessary. To find out what you really need to save and if you qualify for any help, connect with a trusted lender who can walk you through your options. You may be able to buy sooner than you thought.
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