Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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The #1 Reason Buyers Walk Away (And How To Get Ahead of It)

By KCM • March 22, 2026
The #1 Reason Buyers Walk Away (And How To Get Ahead of It) You may have seen headlines on social saying the number of buyers backing out of their contracts is on the rise – and has recently reached a high not seen since 2017. That can sound intimidating. But it varies a lot by market. And here’s the key thing to understand if you want to sell . A lot of the time, there’s one common cause. And it’s something you can actually control. Here’s what you can do to get ahead of the biggest dealbreaker before it ever becomes a problem. The Top Dealbreaker: Issues That Pop Up During the Inspection A Redfin survey shows over 70% of recently cancelled contracts happened because of issues during the home inspection (see graph below): And that makes sense. Because today’s buyers have something they didn’t have a couple of years ago: options . Why Fixing Things Before You List Matters More Today A few years back, when buyers felt rushed or boxed in due to the limited number of homes for sale, they were more willing to overlook issues. But in today’s market, skipping essential repairs is one of the fastest ways to lose a deal. Now that there are more homes to choose from, buyers can be more selective. If a house feels risky, outdated, or like it’s hiding expensive surprises, they’re a lot more likely to walk away. So, what do you have to fix? Just ask an agent. How Your Agent Can Help Give You the Edge A local agent will be able to walk through your house and offer advice on what to tackle based on your specific home, your market, and what buyers are prioritizing in your area. They'll also have first-hand knowledge about some of the biggest turnoffs for buyers today. And you can use that expertise to prevent future headaches. For example, according to Zillow, these are some of the issues buyers will care the most about: Roof leaks or damage: sagging, leaking, etc. Plumbing problems: standing water, leaks, water damage, etc. Electrical concerns: outdated or exposed wiring, missing GFCI outlets, etc. HVAC issues: non-functioning units Pest or insect damage : termite colonies, etc. Hazardous materials: lead, mold, asbestos, etc. Safety/code violations : missing smoke detectors, windows stuck closed, etc. Structural problems : cracks in the foundation, sagging floors, etc. Odds are not all of this even applies to your house. Maybe only 1-2 things do. Or maybe none of them do. It just depends. But an agent will have the tools and resources to help you figure it out and stay one step ahead. The Benefits of a Pre-Listing Inspection To buyers, these aren’t cosmetic issues. They’re trust issues. And that’s what you need to watch out for today. Once buyers start wondering “what else might be wrong,” it’s hard to recover momentum. That’s why some agents are even recommending a pre-listing inspection as a sneak peek into what buyers will see on their own inspection. With that insight, you can: Fix concerns before you list, or disclose issues upfront Avoid having to respond or negotiate under pressure Stop scrambling to find contractors with availability before your closing date But remember, you don't have to fix everything . You just have to be strategic about what you do tackle, so you and your buyer aren’t caught off guard. And that’s why you need an agent who can: Decide if a pre-listing inspection is worth it where you live Recommend a trusted inspector (if you decide to get one) Look at the results with you to identify true dealbreakers in your market Help you decide what to fix or what to credit Make sure you avoid over-spending or under-preparing Bottom Line One of the biggest dealbreakers for buyers today is inspection issues – and that’s something you can control. You just need to be proactive about high-impact repairs before you list. If you want help figuring out where to focus, let's connect so we can keep your sale on track from day one.

Your Home May Be Part of the Great Wealth Transfer — But It Could Be Costly for Your Heirs

By KCM • March 21, 2026
The oldest living generation today is often described as sitting on a tremendous amount of wealth. Much of it has been built slowly over decades, and a large portion of it is tied up in real estate — homes where decades of life took place — paid down slowly, maintained carefully, and held onto for years. Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about how that wealth will eventually be passed on to younger generations, and how it could dramatically change their lives. Some of the headlines make it sound as though heirs are simply waiting in the wings, ready to receive an inheritance and turn it into luxury purchases, second homes, or dramatic lifestyle upgrades. It can create the impression that the next generation is counting the days until they receive the wealth that took a lifetime to build, and the ways that it will be quickly spent. But in reality, that picture doesn’t reflect what many families actually experience. For many heirs, the wealth they inherit doesn’t arrive as money at all. It is often in the form of a home. And it usually takes time, effort, coordination, and decisions that aren’t simple to make, especially during an already emotional period before the house provides them with any form of money to spend on their own. Inheriting a Home Can Actually Be a Financial Burden When someone inherits a home, they haven’t inherited cash that can be used right away. They’ve inherited a property that comes with responsibilities, decisions, and ongoing costs. Even before anything can be sold, there are practical realities to manage. Property taxes still come due. Insurance needs to remain in place. Utilities, upkeep, and sometimes association fees don’t stop when they inherit the property. And if the home sits vacant, those expenses can actually increase, not decrease. There are often administrative steps to work through as well. Settling an estate, navigating probate timelines, coordinating paperwork, or addressing title issues can take longer than people expect or can easily manage. When multiple heirs are involved, decisions can become more complex, even when everyone has good intentions. All of this means there is often a long stretch between inheriting a home and being able to access any financial benefit from it. In fact, that in-between period can be especially challenging because it may also require them to spend their own time and money in order to maintain the property, at a moment when they are already dealing with loss and transition. The Money May Be Helpful… Just Not Life-Changing The phrase “generational wealth” can create unrealistic expectations. While some heirs do inherit properties worth millions, many inherit homes with far more modest equity — especially once mortgages, liens, repairs, and selling costs are factored in. For a lot of families, the proceeds from selling an inherited home won’t fund a luxury purchase or dramatically alter their lifestyle. Instead, it may: Pay down lingering debt Rebuild savings that were stretched thin Cover education expenses Serve as a long-awaited down payment on a home of their own Provide a financial buffer during uncertain times All of that is meaningful. But for most heirs, their inheritance is more about stability than it is an immediate path to a high-end lifestyle often imagined when people hear “generational wealth.” It Might Be Difficult to Talk About, But It’s Worth It Talking about what will happen to a home after someone passes can feel morbid, premature, or even unnecessary. Many homeowners plan to live in their home for the rest of their lives, and updating it or thinking about the future may not feel necessary. So if this isn’t an easy topic to bring up, that’s completely understandable. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the responsibilities disappear. It simply passes them along to your heirs, who must navigate decisions, logistics, and costs while also coping with loss. Thoughtful planning doesn’t have to mean selling early or making major changes. Often, it’s as simple as understanding the home’s condition, keeping records organized, knowing its likely market value, or having a clear sense of what will need to be done — and by whom — when the time comes. As difficult as it might be, the most meaningful thing you can do for yourself and your heirs is to start open conversations now and discuss how the house will eventually be handled. The Takeaway: Headlines about the “great generational wealth transfer” often make it sound like an entire generation is about to become extremely wealthy and start buying luxury real estate. Some heirs may use their inheritance that way. But for most, the reality is far less glamorous. Much of the inherited wealth comes in the form of real estate — homes that need upkeep, management, and careful decisions before any financial benefit can be realized. Proceeds from selling an inherited home can be meaningful (paying down debt, rebuilding savings, or helping with a down payment), but they rarely become a life-changing windfall. For most heirs, it’s about stability, not luxury. Open conversations and thoughtful planning now can help ensure that when the time comes, an inheritance provides support instead of unexpected financial or emotional stress.

Should You Wait for Lower Rates?

By KCM • March 19, 2026
Should You Wait for Lower Rates? Mortgage rates have already dropped into the upper 5s twice this year. But after just a few days, they ticked back up into the low 6% range. If you saw that and thought, “Great. I missed it,” you’re not the only one. A lot of buyers are treating the 5s like some kind of magic number. As if moving from 6.1% to 5.99% suddenly changes everything. And from a mindset perspective, it does feel different. But here’s the part most people don’t actually run the math on. The Payment Difference Isn’t What You Think Let’s say you’re looking at a $500,000 home loan. At 6.1% , generally speaking, your principal and interest payment is roughly $3,030 per month. At 5.9%, it’s about $2,966 per month. That’s a difference of only $64 a month. Not $300. Not $500. Sixty dollars. Let that sink in for just a moment. Yes, over time that $64 a month can add up. But it’s far from the dramatic swing many buyers imagine when they say they’re “waiting for the 5s.” The psychological impact of seeing a 5 in front of your rate can feel big. The financial impact? It might be something you don’t even notice when it’s all said and done. Experts Aren’t Predicting a Big Drop Another important piece to think about: most housing economists aren’t forecasting a long-term return to 5% territory anytime soon. While rates will move up and down, likely hitting the high 5s here and there, the broader expectation is for mortgage rates to hover in the low 6% range this year, not stay in the 5’s or decline much more. While it certainly could happen, the reality is, waiting for a deep drop may not deliver the payoff you’re hoping for, if you’re holding out The Bigger Question to Ask Instead of asking, “Did I miss the 5s?” A better question is: “Does today’s payment work for me?” If the monthly payment fits comfortably in your budget, and you’ve found a home that meets your needs, the difference between 6.1% and 5.9% likely isn’t the deciding factor. It might be one of them, but it shouldn’t be everything. And remember, mortgage rates aren’t permanent. If they drop meaningfully later, refinancing is always an option. But you can’t refinance a home you didn’t buy. Waiting Might Feel Safe, But It Isn’t Always Strategic It’s natural to want the best possible rate. Everyone does. But sometimes buyers overestimate how much a rate in the high 5s will change things in today’s market. Don’t miss the fact that rates have already come down. A year ago, they were in the 7s. Now? They’re hovering in the low 6s. And for a lot of people, that percentage point difference that’s already here is the real game changer . If you paused your plans when rates were higher, now may be the right time to re-run your numbers. Not because rates are “perfect.” But because the monthly payment math might work better than you think, even with rates in the low 6s. Before assuming you’ve missed your moment, take another look at the numbers. You may find it never disappeared. Bottom Line If you’ve been sitting on the sidelines waiting for that magic number for rates, that strategy may not pay off as much as you’d expect. Let's connect so you can double check the math at your price point. You may realize payments are already within your range.
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