Buying a House in 2021? It Can Be an Emotional Experience

Appfolio Websites • January 18, 2021

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A mental health expert offers tips on coping with the stress of buying a home in today’s intensely competitive market.


Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions of your life. Even in an ideal scenario — a buyers market with plenty of affordable houses to choose from and scant competition — it’s not something to take lightly. And today’s buyers are not living that ideal: Prices are rising quickly, inventory is at an all-time low, and competition for the few homes available often leads to bidding wars (fortunately, there are some effective ways to prepare for that) — all of which can create anxiety and stress. 

While record-low mortgage rates make purchasing a home an enticing opportunity, and having your own place — maybe with a garden and a puppy (well-behaved, of course!) — may sound like a dream, many others are dreaming the same dream. 

To top it off, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought plenty of its own emotional baggage and logistical challenges. 

As Mark Stayton discovered, working in the real estate industry doesn’t provide any shortcuts. A public relations specialist at Zillow, Mark and his wife have been trying to buy a home in the red-hot Seattle market for just over a year now. Through countless tours and nine losing bids, they’ve ridden the emotional highs of falling in love with the “perfect” home, endured the turbulence of bidding wars and felt the crushing lows of being blown out by an all-cash buyer — occasionally all three with the same house!

To better understand how to prepare emotionally for what can be a marathon search, Mark spoke with Christina Koepp, a licensed mental health counselor at Wellspring Family Services, and asked her to weigh in on what home shoppers can do to cope with this pressure-cooker of stress. While not intended as medical advice, Christina offers some general tips to help prepare for the emotional journey of finding and buying a home. 


What makes buying a home such a stressful experience?

Christina Koepp: There is almost no area of our lives that is left untouched by such a monumental decision. Considering where to live and buying a home taps into all parts of our mind: our basic need for shelter, our attachment needs for a safe place to connect with ourselves and others, and the existential question of how our lives will look in this new place and community. In order to take the risk and make an offer on a home, we need to be willing to attach to a new place to live, and — simultaneously — hold it loosely enough that it won’t be devastating to lose the bid. It’s a narrow path of guarded optimism.


How is the current health crisis adding to these stresses?

CK: We know that most people are more stressed and anxious right now at a baseline. There has been tremendous and continued disruption to many lives, making it more likely that people will crave consistency and predictability where they have the ability to create it. 

Very little is predictable when it comes to buying a home — you can be outbid, you may have disagreements with your home-buying partner, etc. If you’re already more anxious, more stressed, or experiencing disrupted sleep or low mood as a result of the pandemic, then a big decision like this will be compounded by these existing challenges.


In this competitive market, buyers may lose out on one or more homes before their offer is selected. How can people mentally prepare for a competitive bidding process?

CK: There is a balancing act of being vulnerable enough to imagine your life in this potential new place, creating new memories and experiences within those walls and neighborhood — which takes risk — and balancing that with the very healthy protective impulse of avoiding attaching too fully and too quickly until it’s assured. 

For folks who tend to avoid the vulnerability piece, it makes home-buying hard, because our emotional response to each home is, in fact, an important part of any decision-making process. On the other hand, if you “fall in love” with every home you see, there leaves little room for discerning which is the best fit, and you can quickly become emotionally fatigued with each lost bid or opportunity.

Here are some tips:

Identify your hopes, preferences and design dreams in general terms. As you consider each new home, ask yourself, “How will I feel if I don’t get this home?” If you find yourself feeling concerned over the loss, talk to someone (especially the person who you may be buying with) about how excited you are about the elements of the home. Notice if you’re veering into, “Only this home has this unique element!” Sticking with your general preferences — updated home, architecture style, neighborhood, etc. — can help remind you that there is more than one home where you can find joy and contentment.

Identify your non-negotiables as clearly as possible. The flip side to being as general as possible with your wants is being as clear as possible with your deal-breakers. Know before you look if you’re really only open to a condo with three or more bedrooms, or a house with a garage. It’s easy to be swept up in a home that may have some dream elements to it even though it has deal-breaker issues. If you find yourself in that position, offer yourself the grace that this won’t always be a tidy and neat process — you get to be human in the midst of it.


Do you have any strategies or tips buyers can use to move on from an unsuccessful offer?

CK:  Pause to reflect, then let it go. It can be deeply disappointing to lose an opportunity that you felt invested in. Honor that by taking a few hours or even a couple days to acknowledge that experience, and know it will fade. Note what was so disappointing — did it appear to have everything you wanted? Finding an opportunity to feel gratitude will counter the propensity to dwell solely on what was lost. Also helpful is considering if it really did have everything you wanted, or — more likely — most of what you wanted.

Learn from each loss. In my experience, each bid process is unique and comes with its own challenges and insights. Again, note what you were surprised by and integrate it into your process for future bids.



What general advice would you give to someone in the midst of buying a home right now?

CK:  Prepare for a marathon, even if it’s just a sprint. You will not know how long it will take to have an offer accepted. It could be a couple homes you offer on, it could be 12. Having our expectations be flexible and expansive sets us up for less disappointment.

Extend kindness to yourself. It may sound simple, but this is challenging for many. It can be easy to doubt your judgment, become angry with your home-buying partner, or get obsessed with searching. All these responses are understandable! (Remember earlier when we acknowledged how important this decision is?) Being kind means finding ways to rest, recharge and integrate each step along the way. This could be taking a short break from scrolling through listings to recenter yourself, preparing a comforting meal after a lost opportunity, or being intentional about getting to bed earlier, if you can.

Talk about it. For many people, it’s helpful to say out loud what’s rolling around in their mind. Some prefer to journal. Whatever works best for you, try to share the challenges, insights, dreams and goals that you’re noticing. Remember that you’re looking for a home during an extraordinary time, so be mindful of the extra effort that may involve. The more we’re aware of our rising tide of stress, the more likely we are to tap into our strategies to manage that stress. Reach out often to loved ones to keep your awareness, energy, and perspective in line with your goals and hopes. 

Remember, these tips are intended as general advice. If you have specific concerns, are struggling or need help, contact a licensed mental health professional. 

If you’re ready to take the next step in your home-buying journey, you can find information and reviews for local Zillow Premier Agents who can walk you through the buying process and help you find the right home. You can also learn more about financing options and get a better understanding of your total monthly expenses from the experts at Zillow Home Loans. 


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3 Must-Do’s for First-Time Home Buyers

By KCM • April 7, 2026
3 Must-Do’s for First-Time Home Buyers Buying your first home is exciting, but it can also be a little nerve-wrecking because it’s something you’ve never done before. And trying to think of everything you need to do can feel like a lot. But here’s the key. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. And you don’t have to do it all at once. Just tackle it one thing at a time. Here’s a simple list of 3 main things you should focus on to help you get started. 1. Assemble Your Team: Don’t Do This Alone Buying a home is a team sport. And having the right professionals by your side can make a world of difference. Here’s who you need to find: A local real estate agent is your guide from the first showing to closing day. They’ll make sure you understand all the details along the way, so you feel confident in your decision. A trusted lender will walk you through loan options, monthly payments, and what’s realistic for your situation. That information is something you’re going to want early on. 2. Prep Your Finances: Set the Foundation First This is what determines what you can afford, how competitive you’ll be, and how confident you’ll feel when it’s time to make an offer. Here’s how to get ready: Check your credit score. Your credit score impacts the loan options you’ll qualify for and even the mortgage rate you’ll get. Knowing this number early gives you time to work on raising your score, if you want to. Save for your down payment and closing costs. Most buyers focus on the down payment , but closing costs matter too. Having savings set aside for both helps you avoid last-minute stress and surprises. Look into assistance programs. Many first-time buyers qualify for programs that’ll give their homebuying savings a boost. This can make buying possible sooner than you expect. Talk to a lender about mortgage options. Fixed-rate, adjustable-rate, FHA, VA , and conventional loans all work differently. Understanding the options helps you choose what fits your goals best. Get pre-approved. A pre-approval tells you what a lender would be willing to give you for your home loan. This’ll help you figure out your price range and set you up to move fast when the right home comes along. Figure out your budget. Your mortgage is just one part of homeownership. Budgeting for your utilities, home insurance , and everyday expenses and maintenance will help make sure your payment feels comfortable, not stressful. 3. Gather Your Documents: Save Time (and Stress) When you’re officially ready to kick off the buying process, lenders are going to need to verify your income, assets, and financial history. Having these documents ready-to-go upfront can speed up the process and reduce back-and-forth. Here’s what Bankrate says you need to prep: W-2s and tax documents (past 2 years). These show income stability and help lenders verify your earnings over time. Recent pay stubs (generally the past 1–2 months). Pay stubs confirm your current income and employment status. Bank statements (past 2–3 months). These show your savings, spending patterns, and where your down payment funds are coming from. Investment account statements (past 2-3 months). If you’re using investments as part of your financial picture, lenders may ask for these as well. Copy of your driver’s license. This verifies your identity and is required for loan processing. Residential history (past 2 years). Lenders use this to confirm stability and background information. Statements for any outstanding debts (past 2 months). Student loans, auto loans, and credit cards affect your debt-to-income ratio, so lenders will want to know about them. Proof of supplemental income. Bonuses, commissions, side work, or child support may count toward your income if documented properly. Note: the exact time frames and list of documents may vary lender to lender. This is just a general rule of thumb to help you get the ball rolling. Bottom Line Buying your first home doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out. It just requires a plan. If you start with your finances, organize your documents, and surround yourself with the right people, you’ll be in great shape when the time comes to make a move. And if you want more information on anything in this list or just need help getting started, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Is AI the New “Well-Meaning Dad” for Real Estate Buyers and Sellers?

By The Inner Circle • March 31, 2026
People are turning to AI for just about anything you can think of: Trying to figure out if a strange symptom is worth a doctor’s visit Drafting a text they’ve been overthinking for three days Deciding whether that noise coming from their car is “normal” or “you should probably pull over immediately” Even asking how to handle awkward conversations, negotiate a salary, or plan out major life decisions So of course, it makes sense that people buying or selling a home would turn to AI at different stages of the process. And to be fair, it can be incredibly useful. It can give you a general sense of how the process works, help you understand terminology, and prepare you to ask better questions. Ideally, it helps make things smoother. More efficient. More informed. But that really hinges on whether it’s actually giving you accurate information, and whether that information is being interpreted correctly. That’s not to say that AI always gives wrong or even bad advice. But one thing it always gives is…confident advice. And sometimes, that confidence can be misplaced. When Everyone’s AI Answer Is “Right”… Things Can Go Wrong A recent story making the rounds is a perfect example of how this can play out in real life. According to NewsNation , well-known celebrity agent Ryan Serhant shared how a major deal nearly fell apart because both sides were turning to AI for guidance during negotiations. Basically, the seller asked if they were accepting too low of an offer, and AI confidently said yes. On the other hand, the buyer asked if they were paying too much. And, wouldn’t you know it, they were confidently told that they were in fact overpaying. That led to both sides wanting to cancel the contract. The agents involved were able to step in, help their respective clients understand the market data, and ultimately bring the parties back together to salvage the deal. And that’s becoming a more common role in today’s market. Agents are having to help people navigate situations where the challenge isn’t a lack of information… but rather being too certain about the information they are receiving. Very Few People Actually Trust AI, Yet Many Still Follow Its Advice A recent survey found that while only 16% of people say they trust AI “a great deal,” yet many still rely on its answers when making decisions. Even more interesting: 58% of people admit AI has influenced their opinions 32% don’t fully understand how it generates answers And despite all of these things, many people still rely on the confident-sounding answer from AI over a trusted, verified source That’s a tricky combination. Because if you don’t fully understand how something works, it becomes very hard to recognize when it might be wrong. And when the answer is delivered in a way that sounds authoritative, it’s easy to accept it at face value. AI Is the New Dad in the Room In a way, none of this is entirely new. Real estate agents have been navigating this dynamic for years, it just typically comes from different sources. For instance: The well-meaning buyer’s dad at the home inspection. A relative who “sold a lot of houses” in their life. (It was two. And they were in the 80s and 90s.) Their hair stylist who knows every house on the market in town. That’s just to name a few examples. There are plenty of other people with thoughts and opinions they want to share with someone who is in the middle of buying or selling a home. And, while they come in all shapes and sizes, the one thing they all have in common is that they are absolutely, 100% confident in the advice they give. Unfortunately, their perspective and advice is often wrong or outdated, which puts the agent in a tough spot because they have to gently untangle advice that sounds logical, but isn’t actually good advice. People are often speculating how many jobs AI will replace in the near future. Will it replace the well-meaning friend or family member soliciting advice to home buyers and sellers? Probably not. Most likely AI will just be added to the list of outside advice agents have to help their clients assess and decide whether it’s accurate or not. And that’s really what this all comes down to. By all means, use AI. Ask it questions. Get a feel for things. Explore different angles. And while you’re at it, hear out the thoughts and advice of friends, family, and even that random person who sounds incredibly confident in what they’re saying. There’s nothing wrong with gathering input. But at the end of the day, just make sure you have an agent you trust helping you weigh the confident-sounding advice… so you can make a confident decision of your own. The Takeaway: More and more people are turning to AI for advice, and when it comes to buying or selling a home, that’s no exception. It can be a helpful starting point, giving you a general understanding of the process and helping you feel more prepared. The challenge is that AI often delivers confident answers that can sound right… even when they don’t fully apply. That’s why having a trusted agent matters. Not just to provide information, but to help you interpret what you’re hearing from AI (or even a well-meaning friend or relative), filter out what doesn’t apply, and guide you toward decisions that actually work in your specific situation.

If Your House Isn’t Getting Offers, Read This.

By KCM • March 30, 2026
If Your House Isn’t Getting Offers, Read This. Online searches for “can’t sell house” just hit an all-time high according to Google Trends . So, if your house has been sitting on the market without any bites, you’re not the only one. But it's also not the end of the road. Homes are selling every day, so you can turn this around. You just need to take another look at your approach. If you’re feeling this pain, know this: an online search engine isn’t where you should go for your answers. It’s much better to talk to your agent. Because a search engine doesn’t know your market or your house. But your agent does. While a quick search or an AI platform may give you some tips on what to try, only an expert agent can actually diagnosis what’s going on – and how to fix it. For example, your agent knows most homes that struggle to sell today are usually being held back by one (or more) of these three things. 1. Presentation: Buyers Will Compare Everything When inventory was tight a few years ago, buyers overlooked imperfections because they had to, or they’d lose out to another bidder. Now? That’s no longer the case. Today’s buyers scroll through dozens of listings in just minutes. They compare condition, updates, lighting, finishes, layout, and more – all side by side. If your home feels dated, cluttered, or in need of repairs, buyers will notice and it’ll knock your house right off their list of contenders. This doesn’t mean you need a full renovation. But it does mean first impressions matter again. To compete today, you need curb appeal. Clean spaces. Neutral colors. Professional photos. If there are scuffs on the walls, obvious repairs, or too many outdated features, it could be what’s holding you back. 2. Pricing: If the Price Isn’t Compelling, It’s Not Selling This is maybe the hardest one to hear, but what your neighbor sold their house for a few years ago isn’t necessarily the same price you’ll get today. As Selma Hepp, Chief Economist at Cotality, says : “For sellers, the days of pricing aggressively and expecting instant offers are largely over. Homes that are well-priced and well-presented will still sell, but pricing discipline matters more than it did during boom years .” Buyers are budget-conscious right now. If your home is priced based on outdated expectations instead of current demand, buyers may still look at your house online… but they likely won’t write an offer. Or, they’ll make an offer that you think is too low. Pricing too high for this market is one of the top things sellers miss the mark on today. And those who aren’t willing to meet the market where it is or entertain offers may feel stuck. 3. Access: If Buyers Can’t See It, They Can’t Buy It It sounds obvious but limited showing availability can kill your momentum. If your house isn’t easy to see because you’re restricting showings to evenings only, no weekends, or requiring a 24-hour notice, you're cutting your buyer pool down by more than you may realize. And the more friction you create, the fewer buyers walk through the door. In a market where buyers have more options, the last thing you want to do is give them a reason to skip your house. Availability matters because if no one sees it, no one buys it. Don’t Let Search Results Decide Your Next Step When your house isn’t selling, it’s tempting to spiral and wonder if it’s the market or if something’s wrong with your house. But instead of searching for answers online, here's what to do. Sit down with your agent and ask three honest questions: What are buyers looking for in today’s market? What feedback are we getting from showings? Why do you think my house hasn’t sold yet? That conversation will bring a lot more clarity than any search engine results. Bottom Line If your listing feels stuck, it’s not a sign you shouldn’t sell. It’s the market giving you feedback. And feedback is powerful when you use it. Start with a real conversation with a real agent about what’s working and what’s not. Your agent will be able to tell you which small adjustments could totally change the momentum. Because in this market, the sellers who adapt are the ones who move.
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